Drink me

There comes a point where the mask starts cracking.  Just a small crack at first, you inadvertently show a frown at the wrong moment, a self-pity phrase when someone asks you a question. Soon the wall gives way to your fatigue.  "You look tired."  "Why thank you."  At least you didn't tell me I look depressed. 

Then one night you're curled up on your bed listening to like-minded depressed individuals sing you songs and a tear slips and your roommate walks in before you have time to re stack the bricks.   "You okay?" "Oh, yeah.  Allergies.  Make my eyes tear." Sniff.  She buys it.  How could anyone buy that, you wonder?  Change the subject now, something cheerful.  You are relieved and terrified.  Terrified of having to do this forever, alone. 

It's exhausting just to think about it.  Curl up now, go to sleep.  Tomorrow will be better.  In the morning, your first thought is about how you feel.  The same.  Same as last night.  You reach for your mask but can't find it anywhere.  Wasn't it on the bedside table?  You're too tired to look for it and too tired to care.  You'll stay in bed today.  "Do you feel okay?" "Yeah, I think it's just some sort of stomach bug."   Oh good, I found it again.

One day you sleep the day through, hoping that you can continue to sleep through the night. The hours slip sluggishly by, you constantly look at the clock, talking to someone would  cheer you up, BUT there is no one there.

The mind fogs over, the words no longer drift in and out of your brain.  You stare at the TV screen, but can’t see what is there, because to you, its black, empty, silent 

It’s amazing how many times you can say “I’m just tired”…. No one takes any notice, till you take that step to the bottom of the hole you are dragged into.  The bottle on the table glares at you……………….

 

Drink me…… its calling out to you, in your despair…………………….

Take me …… The tablets appear to have written in tall red letters

Sleep, forget, forever….. Sleep……………………………………………………

You wonder... who will miss me, the friend that cries on your shoulder, but isn’t there for you

The neighbours who don’t even bother to say hi!

Your work mates who won’t have someone to do the work they won't or can't be bothered to do.

Sometimes we need to run way to see who is following, lock ourselves in the dark recesses of our mind.

It can be the loneliest feeling in the world. To find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say "what's the matter with her?" I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren't sure whether you're walking toward something, or if you're just walking away.  

Which is worse, to keep smiling pretending nothing is wrong, or crying alone in your room, still not knowing what is wrong. The feeling of isolation, desperation, screaming at the face in the mirror, give me an answer, tell me the truth.

But, you look at me and think, 'she's so happy' yet there's so much behind this little smile that you will never know.

Beneath the smile, my heart is crumbling, my bones are weakened, my whole body aches with pain and misery.

Yes I guess I am depressed, there I have said it………………….

I am depressed… help me find my smile, please…………..