Solitude or Loneliness

As I sit staring at the blank computer screen; willing my self to create words on the virgin white page. The pain in my head is swirling trying to overcome the haze of alcohol that I’ve consumed tonight to blank out the memories of the past. Memories grip me in an iron vice, my identity mistaken, my mind crowded, the music blares, when all I want is solitude.   Why can't I find peace?

What is solitude? The dictionary defines it as a lack of contact with people or love.

Sitting in a local café the tables laid out for two or four yet every other one has a single person sitting alone.  The sense of being invisible comes to mind, that is ok if you want complete ignorance from people, rudeness, and indifference, but is that dissimilar from solitude. Yes of course it is or is it

Solitude means, please leave me alone unless I talk to you first, - ignorance maybe

Solitude means, I don’t want to talk, please go away, - rudeness

Solitude means, I don’t care about you, just me – indifference

Solitude means, I want to sit her alone, staring into my coffee cup, - loneliness

Solitude, cutting yourself off from society, reclusive, unfeeling, unwanted.

Maybe one or more of these.

Reclusive from choice, walking alone in the hills of the world, climbing mountains. Running away from life, the hurt, the indifference of society, we have lost our way.

Many people become reclusive because they are unable to live in the world that surrounds them. A violent world, an intrusive world, maybe a world with money worries; where they feel that by becoming reclusive these things will vanish and make their world more stable.

Unfeeling in solitude life is never unfeeling, many people will created a solitude world, because they are in pain, grieving, hurt, upset, and by being alone in the environment they may think is safe and secure, they are better off emotionally. But when we come to the stage in life, where we need to cut ourselves of from others, is this not the exact time we need others.

Unwanted is the opposite, we feel unwanted, unloved due to our world closing in on us, we talk to people and they say, please go away, in many guises. I am busy, can’t talk now, just going out, can I call you back, how many times has we heard those and may more.

When we get to the stage in life when this is all we want…………

How do we feel when in our heads we just want to be alone, yet in our hearts all we want is for someone, somewhere to reach out to us, because inside we are screaming, look at me, I am here, I need you.  We deem it a weakness to ask for help, so we close the door on the world, wallow in our own self-pity, which in turn makes us feel more isolated and alone.

Taking that giant step to ask for help, can however back fire on us, I know from experience.